Thursday, July 19, 2007

You ever have one of those moments where you realize how well you really are doing?

I have BiPolar disorder and have for a little while now considered myself high functioning. High functioning with a caveat though.

I hold down a job. In fact I have been with the same company for 6 years now. I have a consistent routine that works really well. I get to work and other appointments usually on time with a few exceptions for circumstances not always under my control. I have a close group of friends that I would be lost without and a very supportive partner. I have not had a major episode in over 2 years.

The caveat being that I don’t usually remember to pay my bills, finish things that I start, or do some of the simple life maintenance things that “everyone else” does and that are usually humiliating to ask for help remembering.

I have been beating myself up for a long time about the caveat.

Till a few minutes ago, when I went on the webpage looking for information on reasonable accommodations for BiPolar disorder to give to my new boss. I came across a checklist for Daily Maintenance that someone had put up. I read through it and decided that it would be a good idea for me to start using this.

Then it hit me…

I figured out how to do some of the things on the list on my own, that I have been doing them for a while now. I paid for a truck before taking ownership so that I worked with my limits instead of giving myself an excuse to beat myself up. I just made sure that instead of borrowing money to last till payday, I earned enough money to last till payday. I have my work back under control to the point that I can sit and write this on my lunch break, instead of working through lunch just to keep up. I am learning healthy boundaries and have become more comfortable in them.

These are all things that I have a hard time with and could not take into account that these are more difficult for me than most. Equivalent of swimming the English Channel with about 5 or 10 pounds of extra weight strapped to each foot. I had, up to this point been comparing myself to everyone else, the so called “normals” out there.

It just sunk in that I am doing fucking great!