Tuesday, September 30, 2008

For you Mother and Father

Mother, This one is for you.

Dad, This one is for you.


I am sitting here in Waffle House trying to become human again. No, that isn’t really accurate. I am trying to wrap my head around my daughter not seeing me. I don’t know what has her so afraid of seeing or talking to me.

Go back in time to three weeks ago. My parents lawyer called my lawyer at 9:55 am on a Thursday in August when I was in StL, visiting with my spouse, and asked if we were on our way over to the meeting that started at 10:00. My lawyer answered with a “No, we didn’t know about this meeting”. She went over as soon as she could and met with my parents, my daughter and their lawyer. She didn’t even get the chance to call me before this meeting took place.

She did well acting on my behalf and also got the chance to talk with my daughter alone. During the alone conversation my daughter expressed a strong desire to see me. She also expressed that she would like for me to come to some plays she is in and other activities. Later the same thing was expressed when all were in the same room. During the alone interview my lawyer asked why she stopped calling me or answering my calls. My daughter told my lawyer that my parents had said that they would take the car away from her if she talked to me. They worked out that my daughter and I would have the second weekend of every month for visitation.

After this meeting I called my daughter that same day. She sounded distracted so I asked her if this was a good time. She said that she was tired and asked if she could call me back later. I didn’t hear from her for three weeks.

Last weekend was to have been the visitation weekend. My daughter said it was not a good time when my lawyer tracked her down when I couldn’t get in contact with her.

It was rescheduled to this weekend.

I was supposed to have visited with her this weekend but that isn’t happening. I stopped by to see her this morning and no one was home. I called and left a message on her cell phone and the house phone. I then went to McDonalds around the corner and ate breakfast and waited a little while. After an hour I was headed back over to her house to leave a note and she passed me going the other way. I pulled over and sat there for a minute or two deciding what to do. I then turned around and went back the way I came. I got to the light where I turn to go home and saw her sitting there. After thinking about it for a few seconds I pulled in behind her and tried to get her attention. She looked in the rear view mirror and then pulled away when the turn light changed.

I don’t know what to think.

I know how I feel though. Hurt, crushed, devastated. Gulf Coast after Katrina kind of devastated.

I tried for ten years to have a relationship with her. My parents actively interfered with that. I would call my mother and almost always hear “it’s not a good time” or some bullshit like that. Finally I started calling my daughter directly and checking with her first. She would say ok, then I would call my mother and would still hear “it’s not a good time”. Finally my mother asked me to stop checking with my daughter first because she got tired of my daughter blowing up when my mother would say no to seeing me. This was May of last year. My daughter and I couldn’t see each other much but we could talk on the phone and text message. At least we could up till this July when I got tired of not seeing her and started this part of the journey.

Only to end up here, in Waffle House, trying to become human again when frankly, I can’t feel anything but pain contrasted with waves of numb with the occasional spark of life when I can distract myself from the pain and numb.

I realize that either my daughter was lying about wanting to see me or she is lying now about not wanting to see me.


There is nothing I can do about any of this.

Interesting that the server here just put Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” on the jukebox. Most of this song is about right with how I feel. Everything except the line “we both know that I’m not what you need”, that line does not fit.

Now it is Bob Marley’s I wan I love ya. Is this love that I’m feelin. This is a weird trip to Waffle House. Not the weirdest click here for that one.

The next one is Bob Marley’s “No woman no cry”.

I gotta say I like the server’s choice in music.