Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Letter to Mom of choice

This past Sunday was hard. I didn’t realize how hard until later, after I had the chance to really think about it.

When I was lying in bed for the hours I couldn’t sleep I came some realizations why this was worse than other times. First was when I realized that you cared more for the feelings of someone you barely knew who was actively manipulating you than you did for mine. Second was when I acknowledged you were aware that you were in the “cutting comments” emotional state because I had called you on it earlier but you did nothing to modify your behavior, so the statement of “it just came out” has less to back it up because you knew you were in that space.

The hurt hit a peak when one of my coworkers cheered that I got the starter changed in my truck. This was what I was expecting you to do. Just a simple, good job or congratulations or something like that. I got instead that critical laughter that feels like razorblades cutting down my back. I usually ignore it (or try) and just go on. “That’s just the way she is” I usually say.

Not today.

“How can I miss you if you won’t go away” and other little or big insults depending on the day. We usually call them “cutting remarks” today I will call them what they are, insults. In previous times when the insults came I would chalk it up to you “just being you” or that I was intruding on your space, or something I may have done.

Not today.

I look back over our relationship focusing on the last 8 months or so and I am seeing a disturbing pattern. I am seeing signs of abuse where I chose to ignore it before. Perhaps abuse is a strong word to use in this situation, however, I feel it is accurate. I feel that intentional tearing of someone down (no matter what the motivation or explanation) is abuse. More so if there is consistency in the behavior with no perceived effort to change the behavior.

Basically all of the logic above is a great way to defend myself against the full onslaught of the hurt I feel right now. Hurt at being betrayed, hurt at being treated far worse than someone you barely knew and who was actively manipulating you, hurt at the realization that I have repeatedly used convenient rationalizations to justify being treated like shit. Hurt at the realization that I won’t let it continue and that I can’t trust you to stop.

Hurt that I am losing another mom.

You said on Sunday night, after the insult, that you hoped you had helped me on the path of healing. You have, more than you know. You gave me space to heal and guidance along the way. Held me when I came apart and told me that it would be ok. That is what makes this so hard and hurt so much.

This just sucks.

The reason I am not coming tomorrow is that you will do this again. Tomorrow sometime you will send another insulting dart my way and it will hurt even more than Sunday’s. I can’t handle that so I am protecting myself from it.

I do miss you.

A lot.

This just fucking sucks.

I was hoping that over time this week I would feel better, that the wound would begin to close and heal. What I am finding instead is that it is much wider and deeper than I knew. This isn’t going to heal in a day or two. It might not even heal in a month or two. I just don’t know. Even if it does heal I don’t know if I will ever trust opening up to you. I don’t know if I will ever trust talking with you in person again because I was closed to you Sunday night (because I knew the space you were in) and you were still able to get to me.

I will leave you with unsolicited advice.

1. look at your motivation for saying things.
2. breathe before you speak.
3. step into the shoes of the other before saying anything to them other than pleasantries.
4. know yourself and your limits. Back away when you feel yourself getting into that space.