Thursday, May 24, 2007

No more input please...

really, I am full.

What do you do when there is too much coming in and not enough getting organized?


I am going to retreat to my place. Hide out with the dog and kitty for the weekend. Do some fairly mindless (but creative) bead work. Perhaps a walk on the field. Ya know, even sleeping all day is ok.

Just gonna step back. Breathe... Iiiiiiinnnn Oooouuutttt

I have a few decisions to make... do I stay or do I go? Do I delay again or do I get going this time? Do I keep pushing on even though I feel like I don't have a chance to improve or do I put that energy into another instrument? Do I continue to explore or do I go out an live life for a while? Is that last question just a cop-out?

So many questions...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Letter to Kristen

Boy, how do I begin this? You were my first true love. You gave me the space to become, and I, frankly, blew it. In the process of blowing it I took you down with me. For that I am deeply sorry.

You helped me get back on my feet. When it came time for me to help you I could have done a much better job. Then, when you started to get better I made sure I reminded you how hard it was for me while you were sick. One day I will be able to forgive myself for that.

I took so much of your life and did not give much in return.

I never let you have your own space. You had to disappear for 5 hours one night just to get some time alone. I am sorry I did not believe that the answering machine ate the messages. I am so sorry that I didn’t allow space for you to just be.

You always knew how to make me smile. I still tell people your description of your left-handedness. “I am so left-handed that my right arm is there just so people don’t stare.” I am sorry that I gave you more tears than laughter. Or respect.

I am sorry I drank so much. The times when I am tempted to break my recovery and sacrifice my sobriety I remember the night we fought about laundry. “And it isn’t even OURS” you said. It gives me a bitter-sweet smile when I think about that fight. Sweet, because you knew exactly how to sum up the entire stupid argument. Bitter because it was more time with you I wasted instead of spending it wisely and cherishing it.

I took from you but didn’t give back. Oh, I thought I was giving back but I look now with sober, “3 o’clock in the morning honesty” eyes and I see the truth of that time. I never gave without expectation. I never did anything out of selfless love. I cannot express how much I regret that.

You were not perfect but you were honest.

I still miss you. Even as I ride the Metro tonight, with people looking at me as I cry.

I want to call you and see if you are doing well. But that - I don’t trust that it isn’t for selfish reasons.

I want to send this to you directly, but I don’t want to cause more harm.

So, I post this here. In the hopes that you will find it. That you will read this and know how sorry I truly am. That perhaps I may get the answer back that you forgive me. That just maybe, it wasn’t a total waste of your time and energy. That you learned something good and that you have found someone new, as I have. That they share life with you and you are happy.

Perhaps one day we will finish the song Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. We did the middle part, it would be nice to do the beginning of that song. Well, I will pass on the bottle of red and the bottle of white. I spent too long in bottles…



Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Spoken Words

Speak to me the words you need to hear

I will speak to you the words I need to say

I pray they are the same