Monday, December 18, 2006

It must be nice

It must be nice to be who you are.
It must be nice to have never been beaten
It must be nice to have nice things
and never have had them destroyed
It must be nice to have never been raped
It must be nice to have been accepted
It must have been nice to be able to make a stand
without paying a price no one would be able to pay
It must be nice to have been loved your entire life
to never figure out the significance of a Supreme Court ruling
at the age of 8
It must have been nice to grow up knowing you are special
and special in a good way
It must be easy to live without the nightmares
It must be easy to wake up in the morning
It must be easy to have friends
when the worst betrayal you have had was high school bullshit
It must have been nice to have never run or hide or had to use your skills to avoid a beating
It must have made life so easy
Sometimes I wonder if you even know
Sometimes I wonder, if I told you, would you be able to handle it
or would you shrink away
in fear
in revulsion
from the crushing weight that I carry so effortlessly every moment of my life

Even in my sleep

Friday, December 15, 2006

My therapist and I have been discussing why I won't go off on her.

I should probably describe what I mean by go off.

Frog's Definition of "Go Off"

1. To voice one's concerns to someone about something that they did to piss you off
2. To display anger at someone in the form of a slightly raised voice and very little display of the actual emotion
3. To release some of one’s pent up frustration in the general (sort of, possibly) direction of the source of that frustration.

Now that we have that cleared up. My therapist and I have been arguing about why I don’t go off on her. I say “because” and she says “because why?” and so on and so forth.

Riding home on the public transportation train I had a thought.

Because under every circumstance I am to do NO HARM and to ONLY use my gift of perceiving someone’s weakness’ for good.

Then the thought comes

“That doesn’t need to apply anymore ya know.”


It. Does. Not. Need. To. Apply. Anymore.




So, as I am riding along and thinking about this I decided to look at the old rule, toss it out and write the new rules. Here is what I wrote as it was written.

“Do no harm” was the rule I had to live by when I was not fully awake.


By not being fully awake (aware), just by asserting myself I would go to far

The rule no longer needs to apply


I am becoming, day by day, MORE aware

More connected to my body, signals, perceptions, signals

This means

Much like you would not let a drunk person drive a car, it was not a good idea for me to let go

That is no longer the case

I can let go


I am sober, connected, aware, awake, accepting of life, in all(most) forms

I don’t’ need to be a doormat anymore
I don’t want to be a doormat anymore

Time for the rules to change

New Rules?

If I am tired be aware that since this is all new, go slow, BUT still go

Be gentle and kind to myself. Listen to and be fully(as I can) with myself.

Get enough sleep, rest, work, play, everything in balance

Be sure to involve the body AND mind together. After all, what is one without the other

Like driving a car – it will take practice to know how to work it so

Be gentle on your/myself when I step on the gas/break too hard or I turn on the wipers when I mean to turn on the lights

Mistakes are not failures

It is ok to ask for what I need

It is even ok to ask for what I want

Even if I don’t get either.

The question you may ask after reading the rules is Have I gone off on her yet? Nope. May not either. Just like in life, some rules are meant to be sidestepped.

One day I will be free. Just like she is.