Thursday, May 03, 2007

Letter to Kristen

Boy, how do I begin this? You were my first true love. You gave me the space to become, and I, frankly, blew it. In the process of blowing it I took you down with me. For that I am deeply sorry.

You helped me get back on my feet. When it came time for me to help you I could have done a much better job. Then, when you started to get better I made sure I reminded you how hard it was for me while you were sick. One day I will be able to forgive myself for that.

I took so much of your life and did not give much in return.

I never let you have your own space. You had to disappear for 5 hours one night just to get some time alone. I am sorry I did not believe that the answering machine ate the messages. I am so sorry that I didn’t allow space for you to just be.

You always knew how to make me smile. I still tell people your description of your left-handedness. “I am so left-handed that my right arm is there just so people don’t stare.” I am sorry that I gave you more tears than laughter. Or respect.

I am sorry I drank so much. The times when I am tempted to break my recovery and sacrifice my sobriety I remember the night we fought about laundry. “And it isn’t even OURS” you said. It gives me a bitter-sweet smile when I think about that fight. Sweet, because you knew exactly how to sum up the entire stupid argument. Bitter because it was more time with you I wasted instead of spending it wisely and cherishing it.

I took from you but didn’t give back. Oh, I thought I was giving back but I look now with sober, “3 o’clock in the morning honesty” eyes and I see the truth of that time. I never gave without expectation. I never did anything out of selfless love. I cannot express how much I regret that.

You were not perfect but you were honest.

I still miss you. Even as I ride the Metro tonight, with people looking at me as I cry.

I want to call you and see if you are doing well. But that - I don’t trust that it isn’t for selfish reasons.

I want to send this to you directly, but I don’t want to cause more harm.

So, I post this here. In the hopes that you will find it. That you will read this and know how sorry I truly am. That perhaps I may get the answer back that you forgive me. That just maybe, it wasn’t a total waste of your time and energy. That you learned something good and that you have found someone new, as I have. That they share life with you and you are happy.

Perhaps one day we will finish the song Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. We did the middle part, it would be nice to do the beginning of that song. Well, I will pass on the bottle of red and the bottle of white. I spent too long in bottles…




Ruach X said...

That was positively the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

I hope she reads it, but if not, know that it's okay to forgive yourself as you continue on your journey.

Anonymous said...

She ruined a large portion of my life, and I will not let her do it again...

To those who think that writing was beautiful... talk to me.

Generations are paying for her mistakes.

TO Aimee:
Get out. Do Not Contact me, e-mail or write me. You are a part of the past that only comes back to haunt me when things are perfect.

My life is perfect now... and I still do not believe that you are not back to take it away. Go away.

I thought I forgave you those sins of the past... sometimes I think I do, most of the time I forget... but I can never truly forgive you for what you did to me. For what you put me through, for the experiences you gave me. I do not remember roses. I remember thorns.

So, leave me be. I have a life, and it does not include you. Now or ever.

If my forgiveness is necessary for your continued recovery, you need to skip it. I have buried most of it away, and rarely does it come back. I refer to you as a medical problem in my 20's.

I will NEVER look for you, I ask the same.

Frogspond said...



*closes door quietly*