Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What would I say...

I just found out that you just got married. Congratulations.

I think.

We were together for such a short time. 3 years isn’t that long.

What can I say. You were one way with me and now another. Which one is true.

Or are they both.

I’m not understanding. I am missing a piece. A Five year piece. Time to change. I know I have.

You wouldn’t recognize me now. The hair is similar, with some added gray. The weight is similar, with the recent loss. The clothes are even similar, with additions of things more in my style and less what others expect.

You wouldn’t recognize me now. I am sober. Four years in fact. I am calm. This one is newer. I am serene. This one is newest of them all. I speak clearer, think clearer, and have opinions that are my very own. I take advice from loved ones and don’t from people I don’t respect. I have trust in my instincts. Didn’t know I had instincts huh? I didn’t either till a little while ago. I have faith in God(ess) again and still go to the Episcopal church you introduced me to so long ago.

How have you changed? Based on the notice that I found by accident, a lot. And, not that much.

You said you would go back if we broke up. I didn’t really believe it then (or didn’t want to). But you did.

Interesting.

Were you both when we were together but couldn’t admit it to yourself then? Were you one way with me and then another with others. What is the truth? The base truth.

I found mine. Did you find yours?

So, many, questions. That I won’t get the chance to ask you.

Even if we run into each other someday.

Which I hope and dread all at the same time. Today, more dread than anything else. What would I say…

Will you look the same? Do you limp from the shattered ankle all those years ago? I doubt it. You were too strong for that.

You were my first true love and I still love you. I will always. But not the same way. I will always wonder if you are happy. Or even just content.

Do you wonder about me. The last thing you said in the apartment before you left stays with me still.

The last thing I said to you in the old apartment just popped back in my mind. And brought a smile. I hope it came true. You need someone to make you laugh, and dance, and think. Things I didn’t give you enough of.

But back to today.

I am the same and so vastly different than when you knew. Or could have imagined. I bet you are wildly different too.

The shock today was from looking at you from long ago. 6 years ago. Too long ago to hold you too.

Time to say goodbye now. More later I am sure.

1 comment:

mtryymh said...

so now we breathe

and move forward

slowly

one toe at a time