Distracted (but not a med thing)

I can’t seem to write this entry. I am distracted (quit laughing) tonight and I understand why. I have not been able to talk to my daughter. It is driving me nuts. More so than even the three years when I was not allowed to see her. Perhaps it is because I am so close to having a semi-normal relationship with her. Closer than I have been in ten long ass motherfucking years.

And yet,

I still cannot see or speak to her.

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Godamnmotherfuckersonofabitch why the hell do they have to make this so god damn hard??? What kind of sick fucking joy do they get from this? Huh? Could someone please answer that fucking question? Jeeeebus H. Chrust on a damn cracker.

All I want to do is speak to my daughter, give her a hug, find out what she would like to do, talk with her about what is possible and what is realistic. Tell her that I am willing to do whatever she would like. If that means she wants to live with me but stay in the same school, ok. I can move out there, I can get a new job out there so that it will be closer to her and to her school. If she wants to stay with my parents, also ok. I can sign the paperwork and stipulate visitation weekends and the holiday or two. Either one is fine with me. Honestly I want her living with me but she has been with my parents for so long now…

*Big ass sigh*

You know. I need sleep now. I need a lot of sleep and then a lot more blogging.

Funny, I just figured out what I need to be doing in my spare time till Friday. Interesting… No wonder I have been running. Who the hell wants to do this kind of intense work. Yeah, I do. I want to be better and keep on movin on up.

Time for bed now.