I just had to look up an old boss of mine from 2002. No big deal. Couldn't really find her. So I called a coworker who was here at my company at the same time. She mentioned a few things that made me realize something.
Because of my drinking there is an entire year that I don't remember. An... entire... year.
Out of the whole of 2002 I remember seven events.
Someone dear to me's broken ankle
A fight someone dear and I had on the phone one night
Being in the hospital for 3 weeks.
The last time someone dear and I spoke on the phone
4th of July party
Going to the National PowWow
spending my 30th birthday in the hospital
Out of 365 days I remember 7 things.
Seven.
When I got sober the following year, I did not think my drinking had gotten that severe. After all, I still had a job (barely) and a place to live (thousands in unpaid rent).
This... this of all things makes me realize how bad the drinking had really gotten.
There are times when I wish I could be numb for a little bit. Times when things are so overwhelming I feel as if I can't take it. That is when I wish for just a bit of numb.
I was apparently numb for all of 2002.
JESUS CHRIST!
What did I miss that year? What conversations did I have with someone dear that I DON'T REMEMBER? What did I say?
Fuck, FUCK, FUCK!
Time that is gone... wasted time.
I will cry about this later. After dinner with a friend who I am certain will not understand.
What I am learning these days...
is that the hardest person to forgive...
is me.
2 comments:
You are worthy of forgiveness, especially your own.
That time was not wasted. It was spent exactly the way it was supposed to be, in order for you to get to where you are right now.
Forgiveness will come.
Just got to get there...
As a wise person told me:
"so now we breathe
and move forward
slowly
one toe at a time"
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